I know, every year I write some post talking about how great the year has been, where I traveled to, who I met, what I did. This year was not a bad one, but it certainly was tough.

Though it may not have been obvious to those who were not close to me, at this time last year, I was really suffering with anxiety. A friend of mine had taken me to the emergency room in mid December because I had a panic attack that was so bad, I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe, I had sharp pains in my chest, and my heart rate was 112 bpm. “High, but not dangerous”, the doctor said.

In January this year, I began seeing a psychologist who quickly diagnosed me with PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and mild depression. How on earth could someone of a non-military background suffer from this, you may wonder. It was actually thanks to the brain aneurysm that my my mother had nearly died from in 2016.

So what was I going through, exactly? Think about having nightmares in the day, while you’re awake. You have flashbacks of events you didn’t actually see with your own eyes, hear sounds that you imagined tied up to the events. They are events that were told by someone else that you see so vividly in your mind that you forget that you were not actually there.  I struggled to fall asleep at night, every night, and when I eventually did, I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning not being able to breathe, having had yet another panic attack. I would chat to my friends in India and Taiwan, since they were a few hours into their days already, and they would remind me that I would be okay – thank you, Surbhi and Rita. This happened everyday for almost 4 months, which made me totally exhausted for most of the day.

When I hear the word “groan”, I visualise my mother lying motionless on the bed, frothing at the mouth – this is how my dad found her before calling the ambulance. Why was I having the panic attacks? Because I was not there, and I could not forgive myself for that.

My therapist explained that the reason I had these flashbacks during the day was because I had experienced something other-worldly that my brain could not “file”. Only once I had dreamed the trauma away would I be able to have a peaceful woken life. Although my therapist expected me to have the nightmares within the first few nights of therapy (since he made me relive the experience multiple times to get it out of my system), I only had them several months later.

My GP had also prescribed me chronic serotonin, the brain’s natural “happy” hormone, that I had to take everyday. Remember, serotonin is not an anti-depressant, it is a chemical that the nervous-system produces that contributes to one’s mood and well-being. No matter what happened, anti-depressants were something I wanted to avoid at all costs. While under therapy, I was also working on my own mental health by using an amazing app called Calm which taught me how to meditate.

I was also given 2 months worth of melatonin, our body’s natural sleep hormone, in order to get my sleeping pattern back to normal. It is impossible for the body to heal if you do not get a decent night’s sleep, and I could not continue functioning on the 2-3 hours of sleep that I had been getting.

My close colleagues who knew what was going on recognized when I was suddenly not present…when my gaze became distant whilst in the middle of a task, and my pupils dilated. If you’re a Harry Potter fan, it was as though I was being attacked by a dementor. Everything got dark, I felt very alone, and I was plagued by dozens and dozens of negative thoughts, including whether or not I was going to die. What if I died? Who would tell my mother? How would they get my body to Durban? How would my 3 best friends get the message? Would anyone actually care? Would I be inconveniencing anyone if I did die?

You’ve got to understand one thing about anxiety – it is not something that you can predict. Until you find what your trigger is and acknowledge that it is there, there is nothing you can do to control it unless you teach yourself how. For months I struggled to calm myself down. It was only when I began to acknowledge that a trigger had presented itself, and I’d say to it “there you are, you sneaky bugger”, did I start to take control of the situation.

I’m very proud to say that almost a full year later, I am finally weaning off the serotonin. I am still seeing my psychologist, though not at all as frequently. From 3 times a week in the beginning to once in 6 to 8 weeks now. I have also stopped having panic attacks.

The below picture was taken only an hour before I had another big panic attack while staying with close friends in Richards Bay, when my anxiety was at its peak. It lasted for about an hour, and it was only about a week after being in the E.R.

The point of sharing this pic is to make people aware that you have no idea when someone is suffering from a mental health issue. It is a demon that is being fought internally that most people will not admit to. I have always been a “suffer in silence” type of person that does not like to inconvenience others in any way, even if it means me literally thinking that I might die from whatever is going on. No, this is not the same as being suicidal, which thankfully never crossed my mind.

Of course, I did not fight this battle alone. My therapist played a small role in helping me identify what was wrong with me, but it was the support of my closest friends and colleagues that really helped me get through it.

Pay attention to the people around you, especially those you see everyday. Notice when they’re different, and find a way to ask them if they’re okay if you’re afraid they may take offense. You have no idea what someone could be going through, and what effect a kind word can have.

As the wise Morpheus said in The Matrix, “The body cannot live without the mind”. From personal experience I can tell you that this quote could not be more true. My mom nearly died from a brain aneurysm and what caused that? Poor mental health. Don’t put yourself through that – talk to someone, get help. You are not alone.

2019, I’m ready for you.